Soft Answers

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.
Proverbs 15:1



Husbands and wives know almost instinctively the truth of the first half of this proverb. Many report that their dating and engagement period illustrated the proverb regularly. But they sense the second half of the proverb is also true. They can remember a few spats, tiffs, and downright arguments in which harsh words incited anger and tempers flared.

The wedding day was supposed to fix all that. Maybe that’s why so many of the “difficult conversations” revolved around the wedding plans. So much is riding on that day being perfect! If it isn’t perfect, how can the marriage ever be perfect? It comes as quite a shock to many couples that neither the wedding day nor the marriage has any real hope of being perfect. Two deeply flawed human beings becoming one doesn’t create a perfect product. Fortunately, we haven’t promised to be perfect in our vows (even if we thought that’s what we were promising). Nor has our mate promised to be perfect in their vows (even if that’s what we thought we heard). But the promises we did make (to take, to have, to hold, to love, to cherish) are at least partly achievable if we will practice this proverb and create soft answers as often as possible.

What’s a soft answer? A soft answer speaks to what the person actually said, not what we thought he or she said, or how we feel about what we think he or she said. A soft answer begins by demonstrating active listening.

This conversational tool may seem very awkward when you try it—until you see what wonders it creates. We practice active listening when we calmly repeat back to our partner what we heard him or her say and give them a chance to edit. What’s amazing is how often, when they hear what we heard them say, they are dumbfounded. They are eager to restate their thought. We quietly repeat what we heard. If they agree to our restatement of their words, we can proceed to respond. If nothing else, this tool gives us added time to consider how to express ourselves—in other words, more time to formulate a gentle answer.